11:36PM
just thought i'd show my face....proove to myself that i'm still alive
Current mood: 
crushed
crushedCurrent music: Northern Lad-Tori Amos
i've been feeling rather shitty all week. its become clear to me that i've put on weight and i don't like it.
even though i cut my hair and thought a change would be good i can feel myself slipping a little. not that noticably, but i can tell.
there are more arguements, ones that can't even be face to face.
more and more hiding behind myself. loud. stupid. making 'funnies'. none of its real.
i don't even know who i want to be anymore.
just thought i'd show my face....proove to myself that i'm still alive
crushedtired, emotional, but i can't cry, i'm frustrated, my guts ache from anger and stress.
i suppose i should see a doctor, but i don't know where i would start with telling him how i feel...
sod it
fucks sake!
i'm so sick of being alone here. every time i try to get in touch or see somebody they are busy, so i've stopped trying now.
fuck it, i'm looking forward to school so i have something to do with my day.
i can't stand this
angry"i was central
i had control
i lost my head
i need this
i need this
its crazy what you could've had"
R.E.M
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
FUCKTHISFUCKTHISFUCKTHISFUCKTHISFUCKTHIS
i'm done
trying to stop
trying to stop
trying to stop
trying to stop
trying to stop
trying to stop
trying to stop
stop for him
trying to stop
trying to stop
trying to stop
trying to stop
trying to stop
crazyi feel wierd...
i don't know if i should go to the doctors. i mean, i doubt if it'll proove anything.
i mean, i doubt if i'll go on pills or anything. i don't want to have to talk to somebody i don't know who'll prolly just chock it up to hormones or teen angst or a phase or something.
today has been terrible. i've been all over the place. snapping at 'lex. shouting and swearing in public.
god i feel terrible
*le sigh*
i'm not in the mood for anything today. i'm not gonna do joes(probably). i'm not gonna do much at all. I may go out with my step-dad for a drive to Welwyn Garden City. I made a CD for the car for it. that has been the highlight.
i cried last night...it was the first time i've cried for about 2 or 3 weeks. things just came back to me. past things. i've been fine for the past few weeks. its the sun i swear. its dreary today and i feel like shit on a stick(yes...a stick). i've been having loads of headaches, it sucks.
Watched King of the Ring last night...Brock won, as if we didn't see that coming. i mean, RVD may be a cooooool dude but he's tiny compared to Brock. wonder if he did the shooting star press...must watch it.
i got sick of watching Trish looking like the dumb fucken bitch she is. plastic tits forced into a purple shiny cat suit that looked 2 times too small.
I want Lita to come back...GET WELL LITA! damn her for being on Raw and not Smackdown. but saying that, Lita's just as plastic as Trish and the rest of them(appart from Stacy(i think) and the new girl whose name i forget(no not jacquiline or however you spell the short arses name))
i'm feeling quite bitter as you may have noticed.
fuck you Mazz, you undeserving, slutty bitch. fuck you
who said what now?
bitchywell...updating yes. updating good.
even though i don't know why i'm updating.
prom was fun.
friday was boring
played alice
tis fun
thats all
FUCK
well..back on DJ. the sun's not out :o(
the sun makes me happy.
watched Labarynth last night by candle light with Al. twas cool
as usual i'm feeling INDE-FUCKEN-SCRIBABLE!
ohh i hate it!
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck
biscut
weirdlook at me....i'm updating.
well, so far exams have been okaaaaayish. i suppose. but i'm really looking forward to next week and stuff. have a break. sort myself out. i'm getting better with my moodswings and such. slowly...but getting there.
i'm calming down a little too. my clamness....CLAMNESS! what the hell is clamness
*does clam impression* is that clamness?
my CALMNESS is good now...
mwahhahaha
i don;t know what i'm going on about anymore...
wow...i'm...like....updating my Deadjournal....
well....feeling rather down today. Feel stupid for it though...cuz as usual i a)don't know why i'm down or b)don't have a legitimate reason to.
FOOK i believe.
had a nice BBQ yesterday with the Petereseseses...and Martin, who's not a Peters...well, neither is Grandma either, she's a Kent(i think)
Al got me pistachios today :oD
had to trudge to the town to get my passport aplication deealy. Going to ireland in july.
i miss something...but i don't know what it is.
i don't like not knowing things about myself.
dammit...why won't my mind work?
its really wierd....i feel down-mood swings as usual-but i feel like i'm not allowed to feel down. i don't know why. i think its cuz nothing all that crappy has happened to me lately so feeling depressed isn't allowed.
well...i am healthy today. i have salad for lunch.
had sex strawberrys last night.
murrrrrrrryyyyyylischious!
oh well....me go now
well...i dunno what to doo ooobie doobie doooo.
sowwie jamez that i canny go to yer party. have a noice time :o)
5 MONTHS TODAY!!!!! MWAH HA HAHA
and he's back tomorrow
Al i mean
well.....i don't know really.
i managed to get a compleat(however you spell it) lack of insults till end of Break today :o) its getting better.
night night....i'm gonna go and get freaked out in my room cuz i just watched Evil Dead 2.
well....i hardly have anything to talk about these days.
i think the pill has really effected me. my mood swings are getting even more violent. i keep beating myself up about stuff. blaming myself for things that arn't my fault. appologising.
extra hormones and harsh reality don't go well.
i'm losing touch with so many people.
i'm not going to say i'm selfish, i'm not going to say i'm sad, i'm not going to say lots of other things...but you all know i'm thinking them, i'm not gonna think you're that
naive, i'm not gonna pretend i don't still think them. i'm not beating my self up anymore...i'm not cutting anymore, even though i promiced not to ages ago and still did. i don't want to cause any more hurt, i'm going to let it pass. let it go.
i've changed so much. i don't want to change. i don't want to be like this. i miss you guys when i'm standing right next to you. cuz its not the same anymore.
i used to be able to laugh things off...just not care. but now...they just get bottled up...and even if i try to release it..it either doesn't come out. or it comes out at compleatly the wrong time.
deep down i'm happy....and on the outside i;m happy....but theres the stuff between that kills me
i'm sorry
thats all i can say
i love you more than anything in the world.
i can't believe i did this.
i'm such a bitchh....i'm sorry
push my fist through the window
but the broken glass
just seals over again
not letting me out
but letting no one in...but one.
body battered
love burns
soul in tatters
gone, forgotten
who are you know?
where do you come from?
please tell me how......
i really don't like half terms now....cause
a) even though i'm home all day... Alex isn't
b)everyone is doing their own thing....
c)i'm too lazy to get in touch with people so i can do things with them...
oh well....i suppose being alone all day yesterday payed off in some way..........
i can't write anything....i havn't written in anything in ages....and the only things i seem to be drawing is eyes and hearts....maybie its trying to tell me something....
eyes and hearts....
hearts and eyes
indescribablewell....i'm really REALLY tierd...my mouth hurts to buggery...and i just can't handle everyhting right now....
...i mean, in our dressing room i was curled up in the foetal postition under a table...
Gods i'm getting wierder by the day
i read Girl, Interupted in less than a day...i've had so many people take the piss out of my brace...even Mr Gibb admitted to not being able to take me seriously with it in.
i just wanna crawl away....i might go and take some drugs to stop the pain...
i can barely taste my food with this fucking lump of plastic in my mouth...
and just...
i can't bare it at the moment....i can't bare anything...only a few people manage to not irritate me...i don't think i'm gonna go to Joe's, i don't want to spend any more time with Jo Ball than i have to. and i don't really like the idea of getting pissed right before a performance.
my mind is racing...and being a fucker too...its just being a twat as usual. it wants me to do stupid things...but i won't let it.
i scratched my arm again today.....i'm sorry, i broke a promice...i feel so bad.
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